


Captain|Kathryn

by Curator



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, Episode: s07e16-17 Workforce, Episode: s07e20 Author Author, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Mental Health Issues, New Earth, counseling session, lots more episodes referenced, questionable intervention techniques, so many episodes referenced
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 16:20:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17811332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curator/pseuds/Curator
Summary: A counselor. A patient. Confessions.Read the transcript of Captain Kathryn Janeway’s counseling intake session two weeks after Voyager returned home — and five years since she began hiding a painful secret.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve never had a beta reader before, and suddenly became fortunate enough to have three! Gratitude to carlynroth for being a thoughtful and wise guide through mental health best practices. Appreciation to devovere for brilliant comments that, among other improvements, helped turn up the turmoil. Finally, great thanks to BlackVelvet42 who kept whispering, “darker, go darker.”  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> Season 2, episode 24, “Persistence of Vision”
> 
> JANEWAY’S HALLUCINATION OF MARK [on viewscreen]: Kath, do you always have to be the captain? Can't you relax for a minute? I want to talk to you.  
> (later, in turbolift)  
> JANEWAY: I don't know who you are, what you are, but I won't let you touch me.  
> JANEWAY’S HALLUCINATION OF MARK: What about the man on the holodeck? You didn't seem to mind him touching you, did you? In fact, I think you liked it. Now I ask you, Kath, is that fair to me? I've stayed faithful to you. I've vowed to wait for you no matter how long it takes. Shouldn't you do the same?  
> JANEWAY: I haven't been unfaithful.  
> JANEWAY’S HALLUCINATION OF MARK: Oh, Kath.  
> (They kiss.)

PATIENT: Janeway, Kathryn  
STARDATE: 54995.4  
TRANSCRIPT TYPE: intake/initial session  
PERSONNEL PRESENT: patient, counselor (psychiatrist)  
COMMANDING OFFICER: N/A — assignment in transition  
PATIENT PRIVACY: permission to contact family, granted (mother); permission to contact Starfleet, denied  
PAGE: 1 of 6

“Good morning, Kathryn. It’s good to meet you. Does today make fourteen days back on Earth?”

“Yes.”

“Is it OK that I greeted you by your first name?”

“I’ve heard my own name more in the last two days than in the last seven years.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“... Admiral Paris told me nothing I say here can affect my Starfleet commission or promotion. Is that true, counselor?”

“As long as you’re not a danger to others, that’s correct.”

“Oh, I’m no danger to others, counselor.”

“All right, what would you like to discuss, Kathryn?”

“Would ... would you mind not calling me that, counselor?”

“All right.”

“You’ve accessed my records?”

“Yes. The item noted of highest concern is extreme stress levels for the last seven years and some associated risk-taking behavior. Also, I did see two instances of depression that interfered with your ability to work. The first is logged stardate 34254.8; location, Earth; cause, father’s death. The second is logged stardate 52081.2; location, U.S.S. Voyager within Delta Quadrant spatial void; cause not recorded due to lack of access to counseling. Should I continue down the list?”

“No, counselor. But, I can start by telling you the records are incomplete.”

“Oh? In what regard?”

“Depression.”

“How so?”

“You’re missing one. Stardate 49694.2 or thereabouts; location, a Delta Quadrant planet called New Earth; cause ... that’s part of why I’m here.”

“... My quick search of your ship’s logs shows Voyager left you and your first officer, Mr. Chakotay, on New Earth due to a virus. Quarantine was to be permanent, but the ship returned with a cure for the virus 12 weeks later. Is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“You seem very tense. Would you like to take a break?”

“No. I promised I would tell everything today and I’m going to keep that promise.”

“Would you like 2 ccs of Improvaline to help you relax? I can set the hypospray so the medication will wear off in as soon as an hour.”

“No. I know what I need to do to get through this. I just have to stay in comm— ... I’ll take the Improvaline.”

“All right, I’m administering the dose now.... So, let’s talk about when you arrived on New Earth.”

“Oh, Voyager had been in the Delta Quadrant for nearly two years by then. Two years of not hearing my first name from anyone but myself or an alien-induced hallucination. Two years of ‘captain’ or ‘ma’am,’ ‘captain’ or ‘ma’am.’ Then, suddenly, with the push of a stasis chamber door, it was gone.”

“How do you think that change affected you?”

“I thought … I thought I could adapt. I invited Chakotay to call me by my first name. With just the two of us on that planet, we weren’t exactly in a command structure. You must understand: I didn’t even call myself ‘captain’ when I said goodbye to the Voyager crew. I was trying to let go of those two years of ‘captain’ or ‘ma’am.’ But ... I just couldn’t stop ... being the captain.”

“Why not?”

“I had a mission. I had to find a cure for the virus that stranded us on New Earth so we could leave in our shuttle, find Voyager, and get home. I worked twelve hours a day, seven days a week for six weeks trying to find that damn cure.”

“Why was a cure so important?”

“A captain protects her crew. I couldn’t let down the only member of my crew I had left.“

"Why would Chakotay believe you were letting him down?" 

"I told you we weren’t in a command structure anymore. Chakotay wasn’t my crew member on New Earth." 

"Then who was the only member of your crew you had left?" 

"Kathryn.”


	2. Chapter 2

PATIENT: Janeway, Kathryn  
STARDATE: 54995.4  
TRANSCRIPT TYPE: intake/initial session  
PERSONNEL PRESENT: patient, counselor (psychiatrist)  
COMMANDING OFFICER: N/A — assignment in transition  
PATIENT PRIVACY: permission to contact family, granted (mother); permission to contact Starfleet, denied  
PAGE: 2 of 6

“How long had Kathryn been part of your crew?”

“Just since New Earth, since Chakotay started saying her name. It was good to have a crewmember again ... until my mission failed. A sudden plasma storm — it destroyed my research equipment, leaving no way … no way to find a cure for the virus. That meant almost no hope Kathryn ever would get back to Mark, her fiancé. Oh, Kathryn loved Mark deeply. But, yet, even before the captain’s mission failed, Kathryn had noticed Chakotay’s kindness ... and thoughtfulness ... and ... masculinity. Kathryn had made a promise to Mark, though, and Kathryn wasn’t comfortable breaking that promise if there was hope to get home.”

“Did Kathryn talk to Chakotay about her feelings?”

“No. The captain wouldn’t allow it.”

“Wouldn’t it be appropriate for a crew member to discuss a concern with the first officer?”

“Chakotay was the captain’s first officer, not Kathryn’s. To Kathryn, on New Earth, Chakotay was a man ... who looked at me with ... interest ... and, though the captain was struggling to turn off the last two years and Kathryn was struggling to turn off her guilt about Mark, I also knew I was … starving.”

“When you say ‘me’ or ‘I,’ do you mean Kathryn or the captain?”

“Either one. It depends. Sometimes both. They’re both … inside. The same body, just different people. Does that make sense?”

“Yes. Thank you for explaining. So, what were you starving for?”

“Touch. You’re a counselor. You know the research on touch starvation. The holodeck isn’t the same. For the last two years, I had been able to give and receive certain touches, but not truly intimate touches, not with anyone on Voyager. But, I wasn’t on Voyager anymore, and ... the evening after the plasma storm ... my muscles were sore from cleaning storm debris ... and ...”

“I know you said you didn’t want a break, but you can change your mind and have one at any time.”

“No. Just give me a minute.... If I got through the last two days, I can get through this.... Chakotay massaged my shoulders to ease the sore muscles. I closed my eyes and I felt so calm that I leaned against him ever so slightly. But, then, I — I felt his erection against my back. I don’t know why my eyes opened in surprise. After all, we had been alone on that planet for six weeks and we certainly had ... noticed ... each other. Later that night, he told me he cared for me and Kathryn reached out to him. She shouldn’t have, not yet, she wasn’t ready so soon after the plasma storm — but she did. He slid his fingers between mine and he looked into my eyes.”

“How did you feel about those intimate touches after being touch starved for two years?”

“Excited. Guilty. Eager. Concerned.”

“How did those emotions guide you?”

“They didn’t.”

“Why not?”

“The captain couldn’t be with Chakotay because he was her first officer. Kathryn realized she wanted to be with Chakotay, but was wracked with guilt about the idea of being unfaithful to Mark less than 24 hours after realizing she likely would never see him again.... So, when Chakotay shifted his hand to gently pull me to my feet, the captain and Kathryn both ... abandoned ship.”

“Did you lose consciousness?”

“No. I wish I had.... I was still there ... just higher up, like in an escape pod.”

“You had an out-of-body experience?”

“Yes.”

“Were you aware of your surroundings?”

“Yes. I was near the ceiling. I saw Chakotay pull me to my feet. He — he kissed me. He walked with me over to his bed. He ... made love to me … and then he held me until we both fell asleep.”

“Do you feel the lovemaking was consensual on your part?”

“Counselor, I saw — and heard — what happened. My body was consenting, no question about it. Please understand, counselor, I’m not uptight about sex. I am uptight about my duties to Starfleet and my promises to others.”

“How did those concerns manifest as you watched your body?”

“Kathryn cried a lot. She kept whispering, ‘I’m so sorry, Mark, I’m so sorry.’ The captain tried to comfort Kathryn by telling her that the circumstances were extreme and pragmatism is an important quality in a Starfleet officer. But, Kathryn knew the captain was upset, too.”

“Kathryn is a Starfleet officer?”

“Of course. Before New Earth, she and the captain thought they were the same person.”

“All right. Then what happened?”

“I woke up. It was dawn. I was back in my body. I realized where I was. I slid out from under Chakotay’s arm very slowly so I wouldn’t wake him. I put on my nightgown and my shoes and I went outside.”

“Were you Kathryn or were you the captain?”

“I was nobody.”

“What did you do outside?”

“I walked through the forest to the river. I took off my shoes and I swam about half a kilometer to the other side. I lay down in the mud on the shore.... I had long hair then, counselor. I had been growing it for my wedding to Mark. That mass of hair, this reminder of the life I thought I would lead, it was heavy with mud and river water. I wasn’t the captain and I couldn’t cure the virus and my body had engaged autopilot without authorization and Kathryn was hiding because she was embarrassed that she was still shamed by this increasingly nonsensical idea of faithfulness to Mark and that hair was all around me in the mud and I couldn’t … I couldn’t even cry because I didn’t remember how to cry because I was nobody. So, I just lay there in the mud of the riverbank.”

“Is this what you were referring to earlier when you mentioned depression?”

“Yes. Because I knew I was never, ever going to get up out of that mud.”

“But you did get up eventually.”

“No, I didn’t.”


	3. Chapter 3

PATIENT: Janeway, Kathryn  
STARDATE: 54995.4  
TRANSCRIPT TYPE: intake/initial session  
PERSONNEL PRESENT: patient, counselor (psychiatrist)  
COMMANDING OFFICER: N/A — assignment in transition  
PATIENT PRIVACY: permission to contact family, granted (mother); permission to contact Starfleet, denied  
PAGE: 3 of 6

“If you didn’t get up, how did you get out of the mud?”

“Chakotay. He found me that night. I had heard him calling for me for hours, but I didn’t remember — I didn’t remember how to move or speak. I barely remembered how to hear. He … he pulled me out of the mud. He carried me back across the river. He put me in the sonic shower, and then he tried to get me to drink some soup. He put me to bed, then he slept on the floor across the threshold of the shelter door.”

“Did that help you feel cared for?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I didn’t feel anything.”

“When did you start to feel again?”

“I’m not sure. There may be days I slept through. I do know there was a morning when Chakotay brought me breakfast and I looked at him. That seemed to be significant because he said my name a few times … as if he was uncertain whether I could hear him. Then, he said he didn’t understand what was going on, but he was sorry if he pushed me before I was ready. I told him it wasn’t his fault.”

“So, it became about him, not you?”

“That’s how it works when you’re a captain.”

“So you were the captain again?”

“For a few seconds. Then, Chakotay made it very clear the captain wasn’t welcome on New Earth. He said my name over and over again. He said he would simply be my friend unless I clearly and directly told him otherwise. He said I needed to get out of bed, but I couldn’t go to the river by myself. When I reminded him he couldn’t give me an order — that we weren’t in a command structure anymore — he said he didn’t give a damn about structure but, if it meant that much to me, he would find a way for us to explore the river together. He said he would always be there for me but that I needed to promise I would never run off again. I told him I hadn’t run to the river, I’d walked, and then he got really upset. So, I promised I wouldn’t leave. Then I told him I felt better and would like to go plant some tomato seeds.”

“Did you feel better?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I was still nobody.”

“Did you go plant tomato seeds?”

“Yes. I used my index finger to make a hole in the dirt. Then I would drop in a seed and pat dirt over the top to cover the seed. The captain saw this process and it inspired her. She made what she thought would be her last command decision. The captain decided she would go to sleep, maybe forever. It was Kathryn’s turn.”

“What did that mean for you?”

“It meant Kathryn gardened and read books on padds and explained to Chakotay how she felt about Mark and how she had truly let go of the idea of getting back to Mark but she needed just a little more time to feel comfortable with the idea of being with someone else. But we had all the time in the world, anyway, since we would be on that planet for the rest of our lives. So, Kathryn and Chakotay talked about so many things. She relaxed. She joked and smiled and when she asked Chakotay to hold her, he would, and I would rest my head on his chest and feel safe.... But then Voyager contacted us to tell us they had secured a cure for the virus.”

“How did that information affect you?”

“I remember putting my commbadge down after that call and walking to the shelter washroom. Chakotay said my name, but I didn’t answer him. I looked at my face in the washroom mirror and was confused by it. Kathryn knew going back to Voyager meant a chance to get back to Mark. Any day could bring a wormhole or a spacial rift or some other way to get home. But, Kathryn had admitted her attraction to Chakotay as well. She was uncertain what to do. Then, I saw my face harden in the mirror. That’s when the captain came back. The captain knew a sexual relationship with her first officer was out of the question. The captain made Kathryn wash the last of the dirt off my hands and told Kathryn to pull herself together and focus on getting ready to return to Voyager. But Kathryn didn’t want to. There was ... a fight … that ended when the captain put Kathryn in the brig for conduct unbecoming a Starfleet officer. I walked out of the washroom and the captain told Chakotay it was time to go back to the command structure.”

“What did being in the brig mean for Kathryn?”

“She lived behind a force field. The captain believed all that closeness with Chakotay on New Earth had made Kathryn too delicate for Voyager, too soft, too sensitive. Once we returned to the ship, the captain couldn’t even look at Chakotay for fear Kathryn’s tears would leak out while the captain was on the bridge. But, Kathryn is as stubborn as the captain. Every time Chakotay said Kathryn’s name, every time I touched Chakotay or had dinner with him or went with him to the holodeck — each and every time one of those things happened, Kathryn would try to escape the brig. The captain felt badly about how the force field shocked Kathryn over and over again, but the captain needed to run the ship. The captain needed to hold fast to protocol and command ethics. What would the captain do if she disagreed with her first officer who was also Kathryn’s bedmate? What if Kathryn had some sort of domestic argument with Chakotay and it created tension on the bridge or on the entire ship? The captain didn’t have time for that. What would that mean for the crew, for the mission to get home? The captain couldn’t take that risk. The captain always remembered Kathryn, but that wasn’t enough. At night, Kathryn would keep the captain awake with arguments and protests. During the day, Kathryn would try to escape the brig and she would shout.”

“What sorts of things did Kathryn shout?”

“Things like, ‘I can’t imagine a day without you.’ What the hell kind of captain says that to her first officer? Sometimes, the captain needed to discipline Kathryn to remind her who was in charge. You know, like having a crew member scrub plasma coils.”

“How did it work when Kathryn was disciplined?”

“Let’s say she knew Chakotay would be coming over for dinner. Before he arrived, Kathryn would light candles and dim the lights and put out a bottle of wine. Then, the captain would talk ship’s business the whole dinner. Kathryn hated that.”

“So what did Kathryn have to live for?”

“The sound of her name from Chakotay.”


	4. Chapter 4

PATIENT: Janeway, Kathryn  
STARDATE: 54995.4  
TRANSCRIPT TYPE: intake/initial session  
PERSONNEL PRESENT: patient, counselor (psychiatrist)  
COMMANDING OFFICER: N/A — assignment in transition  
PATIENT PRIVACY: permission to contact family, granted (mother); permission to contact Starfleet, denied  
PAGE: 4 of 6

“You had five more years in the Delta Quadrant after New Earth. How did Kathryn cope as time went on?”

“Kathryn gave up on Mark literally by inches as I cut my hair shorter and shorter over the years. When I received confirmation Mark had given me up for dead, it gave Kathryn ideas. The captain was the most strict about Chakotay, so Kathryn followed Starfleet regulations: When trying to escape from imprisonment, exploit any vulnerability. So, when an alien named Kashyk kissed the captain, it was Kathryn who kissed him back. The hologram doesn’t count —”

“Was it a sentient hologram?”

“Arguable, but probably not.”

“Whose idea was the hologram?”

“That was a ... collaboration ... for Kathryn and the captain. Ship’s business was slow, the starvation was extreme, and protocol didn’t apply. But, Kathryn took it too far and both the captain and Kathryn were embarrassed. Once the hologram learned my real name, the fun was gone, anyway. Chakotay seemed to encourage it, though. Isn’t that strange?”

“Maybe he just wanted you to be happy?”

“Maybe.”

“Did Kathryn ever truly escape the brig?”

“Yes. Somewhere around stardate 54524.3. An unscrupulous doctor on a planet named Quarra removed every trace of the captain. Because of the damage to my mind, Kathryn didn’t even know the captain existed. Kathryn was on her own for about three weeks.”

“How did she do?”

“She did well. She went to work. She fell in love, of course, but she was reasonable.”

“When you say she fell in love ...”

“Kathryn had ... a relationship … with a man on Quarra. A meeting of minds and bodies. She was moving in with him and she was doing quite well at work. Kathryn was — she was very happy.”

“How did you feel when you returned to your ship and your memories were restored?”

“... It was worse than New Earth. After Quarra, the captain cried as much as Kathryn did. That’s when the captain realized she was in the brig, too, and had been for a long time. Chakotay asked if I was sorry he came for me. I didn’t know what to say, so I said no.”

“Did Kathryn or the captain talk to anyone about any of this before today?”

“Not long after Quarra, Starfleet set up subspace communication with family and friends of Voyager crewmembers. Everyone got one, three-minute call. As soon as my mother appeared on the viewscreen, Kathryn exploited the brig’s vulnerability — and she began to shout louder than she ever had before. She begged my mother for help, pleaded to be let out of the brig. She was crying so hard and speaking so fast that her words weren’t clear. She could tell my mother was confused, so Kathryn started repeating herself, which didn’t help. The captain tried to stop Kathryn, but couldn’t, not with my mother on the viewscreen. Kathryn had worked herself into a frenzy and my mother was trying to keep up, straining to understand. Seven of Nine was standing beyond the viewscreen’s visual range and when she spoke to announce thirty seconds remaining on the call, my mother began to yell, ‘Whoever is there with her, get her some help. Do you hear me? Get her some help.’ But the instant the call ended and my mother’s image faded from the screen, I felt my face harden as the captain took over. The captain told Seven of Nine not to discuss what happened with anyone, and that a former Borg of all people should understand what it’s like to be imprisoned in order to serve the needs of a larger group. Seven said she understood, but the captain later suspected Seven told Chakotay. But, as I said, counselor, I’m no danger to others. There was nothing he could do.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Improper/cruel intervention techniques.

PATIENT: Janeway, Kathryn  
STARDATE: 54995.4  
TRANSCRIPT TYPE: intake/initial session  
PERSONNEL PRESENT: patient, counselor (psychiatrist)  
COMMANDING OFFICER: N/A — assignment in transition  
PATIENT PRIVACY: permission to contact family, granted (mother); permission to contact Starfleet, denied  
PAGE: 5 of 6

“How did the call with your mother affect the captain and Kathryn?”

“The captain put Kathryn’s brig on Level 1 security, which included soundproofing. That meant no more shouting, no more nighttime arguments…. It also meant the captain was lonelier than ever … but she had to do what she thought was right.”

“How long did the captain plan to keep up that level of security?”

“As long as it took.”

“To do what?”

“To get her crew home.”

“My records show you got back to Earth a few weeks after the call with your mother. What did that mean for the captain and for Kathryn?”

“When Voyager suddenly returned to the Alpha Quadrant, the admirals at headquarters gave the captain a few days to work with Starfleet, receive accolades, showcase Voyager as a success. My mother had told Starfleet about her concerns, so, to placate my mother, the admirals asked the captain to take a psych test. The captain passed with flying colors and she declined counseling. So, the admirals said the captain seemed perfectly fine, in fact, she was a hero beyond measure, and my mother and Seven of Nine must have misunderstood what happened over the subspace call ... except for Admiral Paris. He knew something was wrong. He — he and my mother wanted the captain to come here, but she refused. So ... they spent the last two days ... very difficult two days ...”

“I’m here and you’re here. You made it through those days, but I do need to know what happened.”

“They ... they locked me in a room with them. They said, ‘You can fool a psych test, but you can’t fool us.’ They said they wanted to help, and they took turns asking questions. Questions for Kathryn, questions for the captain, questions from before Voyager, questions from the first two years in the Delta Quadrant, questions from the next five years in the Delta Quadrant, questions, questions, questions. The captain started to get scrambled, confused, overwhelmed. She tried to get away, but Admiral Paris held me down while my mother tied my wrists, waist, and ankles to a chair. Then, they made the captain look at and explain holo-images of herself as a girl, a cadet, a lieutenant, a captain from the afternoon of the fourth-pip ceremony, from times on Voyager, and then an image from that very day. The security on Kathryn’s brig began to falter. The soundproofing went first and she got so loud … so loud … but no one could hear her but the captain. I wanted to cover my ears, but I couldn’t. My mother and Admiral Paris were saying things, too, but the captain couldn’t understand them, anymore. I was sweating and gasping for air. I thought my heart was going to burst, it was pounding so hard and so fast. My vision was fading in and out of blackness. The captain pleaded with my mother and Admiral Paris to stop. They said something about hyperventilating and my mother started to speak to me very quietly — about flowers. Flowers, counselor! She said she knew I always loved roses the most but that I was fond of peonies, too. She said to imagine a whole field of peonies bobbing in a light breeze. The captain was angry at this blatant attempt at manipulation … but, it worked. My heart slowed and my breathing regulated and I fell asleep.”

“Did you know you likely had a panic attack?”

“So that’s what it was.”

“What happened next?”

“When I woke up, still restrained, I kept my eyes closed. The captain told Kathryn to be quiet since whatever was going on affected her, too. So, the captain and Kathryn listened.”

“What did you hear?”

“My mother and Admiral Paris were arguing in angry whispers. He said, ‘Gretchen, if this doesn’t happen now, it may never happen. If you want to leave, then leave and take her with you, but if you truly want your daughter back, you know what you have to do.’ My mother said she would do it. They made sure I was awake and then my mother keyed in a code at the door and … the captain never gets scared, counselor, but … as that door opened …”

“... Take all the time you need.”

“It was Mark. He … he came in and he told me he had trusted me, always, to make the right choices but to remember they were choices, not obligations. Kathryn nodded and he left. The captain thought maybe it was over. But then I heard Mark talking to someone on the other side of the door. The captain realized what was about to happen and that she couldn’t stop it. Kathryn stood as close as she could to her force field. My mother keyed in the door code again. I closed my eyes as the door opened. I heard footsteps and a hushed voice speaking to my mother and Admiral Paris. I heard my mother and Admiral Paris leave and the door close behind them. I heard another chair being placed gently across from mine and I could tell he was sitting and waiting. I turned my head and opened my eyes so I could see only the wall, nothing else. Even so, Chakotay started talking. He talked with me about — about private moments … about command decisions ... about little things he said he always wanted to say. I turned my head to look at him. He said a few more things and then he asked if he could hold my hand, for old time’s sake, and I said yes. He untied the restraint on my left wrist, and he slid his fingers between mine, and the brig — the brig collapsed and Kathryn burst out on waves of tears. The captain didn’t even try to stop Kathryn from the things she wanted to say. The sobbing was so bad, the remaining restraints cut into my skin. Chakotay listened, and tears leaked from his eyes, too. Eventually, my mother and Admiral Paris came back in. Chakotay kept holding my hand and Kathryn kept talking and they all said I needed to come here. But, Kathryn told them she couldn’t. The captain still refused to see a counselor — and the captain is still Kathryn’s commanding officer.”

“Despite your family and friends using some extremely troubling intervention techniques, it seems to me that Kathryn and the captain both ultimately chose to come here. Do you agree with that statement?”

“Yes.”

“What made the captain change her mind?”

“Admiral Paris. Not long after Chakotay left, Admiral Paris asked my mother to step out for a moment. They had taken off the restraints, and I was sitting in my chair with my hands over my eyes and my elbows on my knees. Admiral Paris stood in front of me and told me to look at him. I didn’t move, but then he ordered me to look at him. So, I did. He looked into my eyes and asked if I was listening to him. Kathryn said yes. Admiral Paris asked again if I was listening to him. The captain said yes. Then, he said … it was like a phaser blast only with words ... he said the captain’s promotion to admiral next week means — it means the captain will die. He said before the captain dies, she once again has a duty to protect her last crewmember, and that meant going to counseling and telling a counselor everything that happened. He said if the captain didn’t even try do that, then the captain didn’t fulfill her mission and that would make her an embarrassment to Starfleet … and to him … and to herself.... Is that true, counselor, what Admiral Paris said? Is the captain going to die?”

“What would it mean to you if it were true?”

“Kathryn has never had a different commanding officer than the captain. What if the admiral is even more strict with Kathryn than the captain was? What if — what if Kathryn somehow dies, too, and there’s nothing left and I become nobody, again? The captain hadn’t thought of any of this before Admiral Paris said what he said, and now … My mother wants me to quit Starfleet, but I won’t do that. I ... I need this to end, though. I never asked to have multiple personality disorder.”

“You don’t have multiple personality disorder.”

“I don’t?”


	6. Chapter 6

PATIENT: Janeway, Kathryn  
STARDATE: 54995.4  
TRANSCRIPT TYPE: intake/initial session  
PERSONNEL PRESENT: patient, counselor (psychiatrist)  
COMMANDING OFFICER: N/A — assignment in transition  
PATIENT PRIVACY: permission to contact family, granted (mother); permission to contact Starfleet, denied  
PAGE: 6 of 6

“While it’s true someone with what we now call dissociative identity disorder may have identities with unique names and characteristics, we also look for identities to have unique personal histories and to have trouble remembering events that happened when another identity was in control. From what I can tell, Kathryn and the captain have a shared personal history and you remember everything that happened to them both. What do you think?”

“That’s accurate.... But, then, what’s wrong with me, counselor? Kathryn always knew something was wrong, and, even before those difficult two days, the captain knew. She just did what she needed to do to survive the Delta Quadrant … to bring her crew home.”

“Based on today’s session, I believe you may be experiencing something called depersonalization/derealization disorder. People with depersonalization can feel as if they are not completely occupying their own body and as if their speech or physical movements are out of their control. Does that sound right so far?”

“Yes.”

“People with depersonalization also can be detached from their own thoughts or emotions. The disorder can be associated with depression, as I believe was it was for you, and those with the disorder can have a difficulty or inability to accept their reflection as their own. Out-of-body experiences are not uncommon.”

“So, that’s what’s wrong? Depersonalization?”

“I believe that may be part of what happened. We also need to explore the value judgments you made to the facets of your personality uncovered by the depersonalization.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Another person might say, ‘This is my loving, intimate side,’ for example, but you label that side by your first name. Another person might say, ‘This is my work side,’ but you label that side by your rank. Do you see how you idealized the captain’s responsibilities and devalued Kathryn’s needs?”

“Well, of course. The captain was more important. More people depended on her. That’s not a judgment, that’s a fact.”

“More people did depend on the captain, but why did that dependence have to be answered at the expense of Kathryn’s choices?”

“It seemed like the only option at the time.”

“Exactly — the labeling likely was a defense mechanism given the trauma of the first two years in the Delta Quadrant, the resulting repression of the tender sides of your personality, and the sudden loss of the command part of your identity when you were on New Earth. But, now, unlike then, you have access to counseling. You did the right thing to come here today.”

“It doesn’t feel right.”

“Why not?”

“Because the brig is in shambles, but I still have these two people in one body and each one sees things her way and has her own priorities.”

“Would you like to value and recognize yourself as one, multifaceted person again?”

“Yes. How do I do that?”

“First, I need to ask you a few questions. You’ve described Kathryn as soft, sensitive, and delicate. I get the impression she’s a bit of a romantic, yet still smart and stubborn. Is that accurate?”

“Yes.”

“How would you describe the captain?”

“Strong. If she has a mission, she will do everything in her power to complete it. She knew how to get the best from her crew on Voyager, but she also was quite fond of them and enjoyed their company. She had a sense of humor, too. I’m ... I’m sad to be losing her. But she was right to do what she did. The logs from the Equinox experience show how right the captain was. Kathryn knows that.”

“But what about Quarra?”

“What about it?”

“You said Kathryn managed well on Quarra, that she did well at work while still having a relationship.”

“She did.”

“And Kathryn was there for all the decisions the captain made on Voyager?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Did she agree with those decisions?”

“Mostly. What are you getting at, counselor?”

“I’m getting at the question of whether you believe Kathryn can adjust to work as a Starfleet admiral.” 

“But — she’s not ready. She was a captain for only two years before she began living in the brig.”

“You and I can work together to combine those best parts of Kathryn and the captain, to re-integrate them into one person. That one person will hear her name every day, as well as the rank she’s earned. She’ll have superiors, peers, and subordinates, plus she’ll interact with civilians — just as you always had in the Alpha Quadrant. Her work may be important to her, but it won’t consume her. What do you think?”

“... I — I think the Improvaline has worn off.”

“Do you want more?”

“No.”

“Do you want a break?”

“No.”

“Let me know if you change your mind. But, to continue, then, some of what we need to address comes down to an important question — who do you want to be as one person? For the moment, don’t worry about what Admiral Paris said.”

“... I don’t know.”

“Would you like to to petition Starfleet to delay your promotion? Officers do it all the time, so you certainly could —”

“No.”

“Then let’s have you sit for a few minutes with that question of who you would like to be.”

“... I would like … to be Kathryn ... who works as an admiral and does a damn good job at it ... but also has a social life ... and romance, too ... and holds the captain as part of her memory of a — of a complicated time.”

“Then that’s what we’ll work on. What do you think about meeting with me every day until further notice and possibly with other counselors as well?”

“I can do that.”

“Good. As we end this session, I’m going to ask the same thing I ask at the end of every session: How do you feel right now?”

“I feel … hopeful.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that. The goal for our session tomorrow will be to help you move toward that unified person you want to be. To set us up for that, do you have a suggestion for what I should call you in my appointment log?”

“Please call me ... Kathryn Janeway ... captain-for-now … admiral-to-be ... almost home.”


End file.
